The Choice to Compete

I started writing this post weeks ago, but of course I only found time to publish it tonight: 13 hours before my competition. AAAHHHHHH OKAY let's begin.

In all my years of dancing, I have never entered a solo dance competition. This comes ultimately from my fear of stepping into the whole nature of competition: the stress and exhaustion of training for it, the nerves and anxiety at the thought of someone judging your piece and evaluating it, and the fear of not doing well enough.

At the beginning of the year, I considered entering the Youth Asian Grand Prix: An international dance competition in Hong Kong open to all nationalities. Sure would be nice to say that I've competed on an international stage, right? The more I thought about it, the more I was starting to convince myself to give it a shot. HOWEVER-- there was a slight problem. The age cut-off was 23. I am 25. And that's how you know when God says no. Hahaha.

At first I didn't think too much of it, and was able to easily let it go. But all that initial convincing I had done to myself created a restless debate in me that just won't quit: should I try another competition? Or nah?


CUE Philippine Dance Cup announcement.

Philippine Dance Cup (PDC) is a local dance competition, open to all dance students in the country. Age cut-off? 28! Pasok na pasok, diba? HOWEVER--I found out that the division where I would fall under should I choose to enter was the Professional Division. PROWPEYSHOHNUL. Higher stakes, higher standards. I had just gotten back to dance!!! Was I ready? Am I ready??

But between daily rehearsals and recital preparations, I actually missed the first deadline of entry application submission for PDC. At the time, I was like ay ohhh, eh, oh well. But then, I felt God was all, "Teka, teka. You can't just shrug this one off that easily." Wouldn't you know, the deadline was extended a whole month after the initial one. Meaning I had one more full month to come to a firm decision whether or not I'll be joining.

And then I realized, really, what have I got to lose if I enter? If I do decide to join, train for it, and end up NOT placing, how would that feel? But if I decide against joining and let this opportunity pass without even trying, would that feel any better? The answer was no. I knew in my gut that I would beat myself up with regret if I let this one slide. If there's anything worse than losing, it's losing without trying. Regret is a heavy feeling.

It's like that famous hugot line:
"Better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all."
Better to have competed and tried, than never to have competed at all.
PAK GANERN bow exit lights off.

Of course, it would be wonderful to win, to place, to receive an award. But I've gone through enough of life (wow kala mo wise na wise ang lola) to know how reality is when competing. You don't enter a competition confidently expecting to win; that's naive. The way I see it, you compete to push yourself to bring out the best in you, and you use that best to battle with the other bests out there. If I place, awesome! If I don't, i'll order a pizza. Simple!

So yes, I have decided to compete.
AND IT'S TOMORROW WHEEEEE
Time to be brave! Here I go!!!

Love,
Laura


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